Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John Gottman’s four decades of research, he has found it to be the number one predictor of divorce. According to Malcolm Gladwell in his bestselling book, Blink:

“If Gottman observes one or both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.”

When you communicate with contempt, the results can be cruel. Treating others with disrespect and mocking them with sarcasm and condescension are forms of contempt. So are hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and body language such as eye-rolling and sneering. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust and superiority, especially moral, ethical, or characterological.

Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”

Why contempt is so destructive and dangerous

Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict—particularly dangerous and destructive forms of conflict—rather than to reconciliation. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with them and that you’re condescending and acting as their superior.

Take a look at this couple. One partner has a need always to be on time, even early, yet the other partner seems to have difficulty keeping up and being ready to go when their partner needs them to be. Here’s a form of contempt that the punctual partner might dish out:

“Look, I learned how to tell time when I was five years old. When are you ever gonna learn?”

Or this couple, who have a recurring fight about sex:

“We haven’t had sex in months. What, are you too busy flirting with that guy at work? Why don’t you just marry him instead?”

The research found that couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than couples who are not contemptuous. Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. We cannot emphasize that enough. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.

Anderson Cooper of CNN reacts to Dr. John Gottman’s findings on contempt, particularly about how emotionally and physically destructive it can be, in this short clip:

Fortunately, like all of the four horsemen, there is an effective antidote to contempt, and it comes in two forms.

The antidotes to contempt

Short-term: Describe your feelings and needs

If you’re experiencing contempt in your relationship, there are proven antidotes to combat it and turn conflict into positive growth. The first way to do that is to start small and describe your own feelings and needs about any given issue. Try to avoid using “you” statements, which can make your partner feel blamed or attacked.

“I’m feeling neglected sexually, and I need physical connection. Can we talk about how to make that happen so it works for both of us?”

Or, in terms of being punctual:

“It’s very important to me to be on time. Can you please help me with that?”

Short-term measures like that are the best place to start, but to create long-term immunity, you will need to think about the greater context of your relationship.

Long-term: Build a culture of fondness and admiration

The best antidote to contempt is to build a culture of fondness and admiration for each other, which, metaphorically, strengths your relationship’s immune system. It is the second level of our Sound Relationship House.

Fondness and admiration aren’t built overnight, but if you intentionally work to do small, positive things for your partner every day, then you can create that system. Once you’ve created it, it will act as a consistent bulwark against contempt.

The best test to measure the strength of your fondness and admiration system is to focus on how you view your relationship’s history. In the research, couples who have a positive view of their past through oral history interviews are much more likely to be happy in their relationships. But if your relationship is in deep trouble, you’re unlikely to elicit much praise from each other, and you’ll likely have difficulty remembering the good times.

Talking about the happy events of the past, however, helps many couples reconnect. Remember the good times, and also remember the tough times where, together, you pushed through and succeeded, which is when couples “glorify the struggle,” and it helps to build solidarity in your relationship. Focus on offering daily gestures and expressions of appreciation, kindness, support, and love. These can be as simple as a six-second kiss, a stress-reducing conversation, or spending five minutes to thank each other for how you support each other.

Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect. Even though sharing fondness and admiration is crucial in a relationship, these positive sentiments often dwindle overtime through conflict, resentment, or simply the absentmindedness that can come as a result of life’s many distractions.

That being said, sharing fondness and admiration in your relationship is not complicated, and can be done even if you think those positive feelings are buried too deep beneath recent conflicts. Positive thoughts invoke positive feelings, and the goal is to turn both into positive actions that help to heal and bring companionship back to your relationship. The more positivity you have in your relationship, the more you will create positive sentiment override, which is what successful couples rely on to stay connected.

If you revive fondness and admiration for each other, you are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team. Fondness and admiration will expand your sense of “we-ness” and solidarity as a couple, and it will keep the two of you as connected as you felt when you first met.

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You’re sitting at dinner with your partner, and they mention they forgot to pick up milk at the store. What starts as a simple statement somehow spirals into a full-blown argument about responsibility, respect, and who does more around the house. Sound familiar?

If you’re nodding your head right now, you’re not alone. Many couples feel trapped in this exhausting cycle where even the smallest disagreements explode into major conflicts. Here’s the thing—conflict itself isn’t the enemy but rather how you fight. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows us that even the happiest couples argue. Successful relationships aren’t conflict-free; they’re simply better at managing arguments and repairing when something has gone wrong.

Conflict can be productive and healthy, but too often conflict there is a significant difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict. Unhealthy conflict is characterized by the presence of criticism, defensiveness and a lack of understanding. These patterns can be changed. Learn more about why fights can quickly and easily become destructive and how to turn things around. 

7 Signs You’re Stuck in Unhealthy Conflict Patterns

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward change. Do any of these sound familiar?

Small issues become disproportionately large fights. You disagree about dinner plans and somehow end up questioning your entire relationship. Normal differences of opinion escalate to relationship-threatening conflicts.

You argue about the same things over and over. You’ve had the “dishes conversation” 47 times, yet nothing changes. These recurring conflicts feel like being stuck in a broken record that keeps skipping.

Conversations quickly become personal attacks. What starts as discussing a specific behavior turns into character assassination. “You forgot to call” becomes “You’re completely unreliable and selfish.”

One or both of you regularly shut down. When emotions run high, someone goes silent and withdraws. This stonewalling often happens when someone feels overwhelmed or flooded, but it leaves the other partner feeling abandoned.

You can’t remember what started the fight. Arguments take on a life of their own, spiraling so far from the original issue that neither of you can recall how it began. You’re fighting about fighting about fighting.

Resolution never seems to happen. Conflicts fizzle out from exhaustion rather than reaching any real understanding or agreement. You might stop talking about it, but nothing actually gets resolved.

You both feel defensive most of the time. Instead of being able to take responsibility for your part of the situation or argument, you respond defensively. This may look like playing the victim or criticizing your partner in response to something they say. 

Why Some Couples Turn Everything Into a Fight

The Hidden Culprit: Unmet Needs

Most arguments aren’t really about the dishes in the sink or who forgot to pay a bill. They’re about deeper needs that aren’t being met. When someone feels unseen, unheard, or undervalued in their relationship, even minor issues become opportunities to express that pain and unhappiness.

Some couples fight constantly about mundane issues like household chores. However, when you dig deeper you realize that the fight isn’t about washing the dishes or doing the laundry. It might be about one person feeling like they are invisible in the relationship, and their contributions are not acknowledged. The chores aren’t the issue, it’s the idea that one partner feels undervalued or unappreciated in the relationship.

The Four Horsemen Riding Through Your Living Room

Dr. Gottman identified four communication patterns so destructive to relationships that he dubbed them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” When these show up regularly, they predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy.

Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behavior. Instead of “You left dishes in the sink,” it sounds like “You’re lazy and inconsiderate.”

Contempt is the most toxic horseman—it involves eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, and an air of superiority. When contempt enters a relationship, things can deteriorate very quickly. The presence of contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness typically follows criticism. Instead of taking responsibility, you counter-attack or play the victim: “Well, at least I don’t spend all day on my phone like you do!”

Stonewalling happens when one partner completely shuts down and withdraws from the interaction, often feeling overwhelmed or flooded.

When these negative dynamics become regular communication patterns, a phenomenon called ‘negative sentiment override’ can occur. When it does, you start interpreting neutral or even positive actions through a negative lens. Your partner brings you coffee, and instead of feeling loved, you think, ‘Of course they didn’t add cream. They don’t even know what I like after 10 years of marriage.’

When Life Stress Spills Over

External pressures can impact our wellbeing and infiltrate our closest relationships. Work deadlines, financial worries, family drama—all of this stress needs somewhere to go. Unfortunately, we often dump it on the people we’re closest to because they feel ‘safe.’

This pattern can intensify dramatically during major life transitions. New parents, couples dealing with job loss, or those caring for aging parents often find themselves snapping at each other over things that wouldn’t have bothered them before. The overwhelming stress and pressure from these life situations impact every interaction one has.

The Pursuer-Distancer Pattern

Every couple has a different conflict style, and sometimes these styles create their own problems. Some people are “pursuers“—when there’s tension, they want to talk it out immediately. Others are “distancers”—they need space to process before they can engage.

This creates a painful dynamic where the pursuer pushes for resolution, and the distancer retreats. The pursuer feels abandoned and ramps up their efforts, while the distancer feels overwhelmed and shuts down further, causing this cycle to repeat in every conflict conversation. Both partners end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood.

Similarly, some people are ‘escalators’; they get louder and more intense when upset, while others are ‘withdrawers’ who go silent and tend to shut down. Neither style is inherently wrong, but without understanding and accommodation, they can fuel endless conflict.

The Iceberg Effect: Hidden Dreams and Values

The Gottman research reveals that 69% of relationship conflicts are about perpetual problems—ongoing differences that may never be fully resolved. These often stem from fundamental differences in dreams, values, or life philosophies.

What looks like an argument about money might really be about security versus adventure. A fight about social media use might actually be about autonomy versus connection. When these deeper values remain hidden and unaddressed, surface-level conflicts become unsolvable because you’re not actually discussing the real issue.

The Gottman Research on Conflict

The Gottman Love Lab has given us incredible insights into what separates happy satisfied couples from unhappy distressed couples that may or may not break up. After studying thousands of couples for over four decades, their team can predict with remarkable accuracy which couples will make it and which won’t.

The satisfied couples maintain happy, stable relationships—but aren’t conflict-free. They argue just as much as everyone else, but they do it differently. They stay emotionally regulated during disagreements, show respect even when they’re upset, and make successful repair attempts to reconnect.

Distressed couples, on the other hand, get caught in destructive cycles where conflict escalates quickly, repair attempts fail, and both partners end up feeling hurt and misunderstood.

The Magic Ratio That Changes Everything

One of Gottman’s most powerful findings is the “Magic Ratio” of 5:1. For every negative interaction during conflict, stable couples have five positive interactions. This doesn’t mean you need to stop mid-argument to give five compliments—it’s about the overall balance in your conversation. By the way the ratio during non-conflict times of positive to negative interactions is 20:1 in happy couples.

How do you generate or build up to 5:1 positive to negative ratio in your conflict communication?  Consider doing the following:

• May eye contact while talking to your partner and intentionally soften your gaze
• Begin with a gentle approach to conflict – praise and acknowledge before giving negative feedback
• When your partner is talking, try to listen for inspiration or to catch them saying something you can agree with or find reasonable and then tell them
• Smile at your partner – make sure it is genuine.  If you don’t feel like smiling, pay attention to whether your facial expression has become a scowl.  Positive is better but neutral is acceptable.
• Let your partner know what you find admirable or positive in their outlook before you share your own different perspective
• Validate and empathize often.
• Repair as soon as the conversation turns even slightly negative.  Pause, check in and offer to rephrase something or take it back.  Let your partner know you don’t want to hurt them to make your point. 

When couples maintain these ratios, they build up enough goodwill to weather inevitable storms. Their positive interactions create an environment of ‘positive sentiment override’—a tendency to interpret ambiguous actions in the best possible light and to assume the best of your partner in all situations. When couples have a strong foundation of love, respect and friendship, they are able to have arguments without damaging their connection. 

The Power of Repair Attempts

Repair attempts are efforts to de-escalate tension during conflict. They might be humorous (“Well, this is going well!”), affectionate (“I love you even when we’re fighting”), or simply a request to slow down (“Can we take a break?”).

In happy relationships, repair attempts are successful about 80% of the time primarily because the conflict rests on a foundation of friendship and care.. In distressed relationships, repair may be  missed or rejected because of a lack of safety or friendship and the  negative sentiment override makes partners suspicious of each other’s motives.

The good news? You can learn to make better repair attempts and become more receptive to your partner’s attempts. This single skill can dramatically improve your conflict resolution.

Here is the Gottman Repair Checklist for a variety of phrases and actions that can help you repair when a conversation derails. 

Final Thoughts

When you are in a cycle of conflict with your partner, where every minor complaint turns into an argument, it can feel like your relationship is broken. However, once you understand some of the dynamics at play, especially around the reasons why your partner reacts so strongly about seemingly small things, you are prepared to change these negative patterns. Using the Gottman skills to deal with arguments leads to an environment of positive sentiment override where you and your partner will experience more relationship satisfaction and wellbeing.

 

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Reviewed by: Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD

Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and Founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, TX.   Vagdevi has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and educator who taught graduate students and professionals at University of Texas and St. Edward’s University in Austin. She  is a Senior Certified Gottman Therapist and Approved Clinical Trainer.  For the past 20 years, Vagdevi has been facilitating the Art & Science of Love Workshop Gottman retreat for couples in Austin and around the US and has taught all 3 levels of the Gottman professional trainings and coached clinicians from around the world on this method. 

You know that sinking feeling when you’re pouring your heart out to your partner, only to realize they’re scrolling through their phone? Or when you’re trying to share something important, and they interrupt with a completely unrelated story about their day?

You are not alone. Like many others, chances are you’ve felt invisible in your  relationship from time to time. Your words may feel like they’re bouncing off a brick wall instead of reaching the person you love most.

Communication breakdowns happen in even the strongest relationships, and feeling unheard is one of the most painful experiences partners face. The good news? There are research-backed strategies that can transform how you and your partner connect.

Signs Your Partner Isn’t Really Listening

Before we dive into solutions, let’s identify what poor listening actually looks like. Sometimes we sense something’s off but can’t quite put our finger on it. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing them.

Physical Signs of Tuning Out

Is your partner present and available for interaction? Watch your partner’s body language during conversations. Are they making eye contact, or are their eyes darting around the room? Do you feel completely invisible when you’re trying to talk to your partner?  Watch for signs that your partner is physically turning away from you. This might look like continuing to watch TV, typing on a laptop, or scrolling through their phone.

Or perhaps they are not in a good mindset to interact.  Notice physical signs such as tapping their fingers impatiently or maintaining a closed-off posture with crossed arms. These behaviors signal that their attention is elsewhere, even if they’re nodding along.  

All communication in a relationship is affected by the mindset and the context.  So instead of becoming frustrated, consider accepting your partner’s lack of availability or interest.

Verbal Clues That Reveal Inattention

Once you are interacting with your partner, it helps to listen to how your partner responds during conversations. Frequent interruptions are a dead giveaway—they’re so focused on what they want to say next that they’re not processing your words. Maybe they give minimal responses like “uh-huh,” “sure,” or “okay” without asking follow-up questions or showing genuine interest in what you’re sharing.

Another red flag is abruptly changing the subject. You might be sharing something vulnerable about your day, and suddenly they’re talking about weekend plans or something they saw on social media. This pattern shows they’re not engaged or present in the conversation.

Emotional Disconnection

Perhaps the most painful signs are emotional cues that show your partner’s lack of interest or engagement in the conversation. When you share something important and your partner responds with defensiveness or dismissiveness, it creates a wall between you. They might roll their eyes, sigh heavily, or respond with phrases like “Here we go again” or “You’re being too sensitive.”

Lack of emotional presence may not be mean spirited. Your partner’s emotional unavailability may stem from them feeling overwhelmed or triggered, but it leaves you feeling invalidated and unimportant.

The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

Here’s something crucial to understand: hearing and listening are completely different. Hearing is passive. It’s the physical process of sound waves hitting your eardrums. Your partner might hear every word you say but if they are not listening, your communication will not be successful.

Listening, on the other hand, is active and intentional. It requires focus, empathy, and genuine engagement with your words, as well as the emotions behind them. When someone truly listens, they’re trying to understand your perspective, not just waiting for their turn to speak.

Why Partners Stop Listening

Understanding why your partner may not be able or willing to listen can help you approach the problem with more compassion and effectiveness. Most of the time, it’s not because they don’t care about you. There are usually deeper issues at play.

Overwhelm and Daily Stress

Life has a way of depleting our emotional resources. Your partner might come home mentally exhausted from work, worried about finances, or stressed about family obligations. When we’re overwhelmed, our capacity to be fully present shrinks dramatically.

One partner may desperately need connection and conversation after a long day, while the other needs quiet time to decompress. Neither approach is wrong, but without understanding each other’s needs, it creates frustration on both sides.

The Gottman Concept of “Flooding”

Dr. John Gottman’s research identified a phenomenon called “flooding”: when someone becomes so overwhelmed during conflict that they literally can’t process information effectively. Their heart rate spikes, stress hormones flood their system, and their ability to listen shuts down as a protective mechanism.

When someone is flooded, they might appear checked out, defensive, or even hostile. They’re not choosing to ignore you; their nervous system has essentially hijacked their ability to engage. This is why timing and approach matter so much in difficult conversations.

Shutting Down or Tuning Out

Sometimes poor listening develops as a response to negative communication patterns. If previous conversations have involved criticism, blame, or conflict, your partner might have learned to tune out as a form of self-protection.

Think about it: if every time you bring up certain topics, it leads to an argument, your partner’s brain starts associating your attempts at communication with stress and conflict. They begin shutting down before the conversation even starts, creating a frustrating cycle where you feel unheard and they feel attacked.

Different Communication Styles

We all have unique ways of processing and expressing information. Some people are direct and want to get straight to the point, while others need more context and emotional processing time. Some prefer to think before speaking, while others think out loud.

When partners have mismatched communication styles, it can feel like you’re speaking different languages. The indirect communicator might feel rushed and unheard, while the direct communicator feels frustrated by what seems like unnecessary detail.

Unresolved Conflicts Create Barriers

Lingering resentments and unresolved issues create invisible barriers to effective listening. When trust has been damaged or when there are ongoing frustrations, it becomes much harder to approach conversations with openness and curiosity.

Your partner might have stopped listening because they don’t feel safe being vulnerable, or because they’re still hurt from previous interactions. These emotional wounds need healing before genuine listening can resume.

The Gottman Method for Better Listening

Now let’s get into the practical strategies that can transform your communication. The Gottman Method offers time-tested techniques that have helped millions of couples reconnect and feel heard in their relationships.

The Speaker-Listener Technique

This structured approach might feel formal at first, but it’s incredibly effective for breaking negative communication patterns. Here’s how it works:

 Choose one person to be the speaker and one to be the listener first. Don’t worry, you’ll switch roles halfway through. As the listener, be sure not to interrupt the speaker, even if you disagree with what they’re saying!

The Speaker’s Role: When you’re the speaker, focus on sharing your perspective using “I” statements. Instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try “I feel disconnected when we don’t have focused time to talk.” Share your thoughts and feelings without attacking or blaming your partner.

The Listener’s Role: As the listener, your only job is to understand and reflect back what you heard. You might say, “What I heard you say is that you feel disconnected when we don’t have focused conversation time. Is that right?”

Don’t defend, don’t problem-solve, don’t share your own perspective yet. Just focus on understanding and validating your partner’s experience.

Why This Works: This technique slows down communication and creates safety. The speaker feels heard because they can share without interruption, and the listener isn’t triggered into defensiveness because they’re not being attacked or blamed.

Emotional Connection Through the ATTUNE Model

The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of emotional connection through what they call the ATTUNE model:

Awareness – of your partners feeling and experience

Tolerance – that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions

Turning Toward – recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it

Understanding – attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective

Non-defensive Listening – listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame

Empathy – responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs

Final Thoughts

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be painful and isolating. When your partner doesn’t listen to you, it can lead to feelings of resentment and increased relationship conflict. It might be easy to tell yourself ‘it doesn’t matter’ or self deprecating thoughts like ‘what I have to say isn’t important’ but it does matter and is important, and it can get better. So instead of giving in to feelings of discontent and entering a negative conflict cycle with your partner, use these Gottman tools to improve your communication with your partner. In the process you will improve your relationship and your own health and wellbeing.

 

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Reviewed by: Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD

Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and Founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, TX.   Vagdevi has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and educator who taught graduate students and professionals at University of Texas and St. Edward’s University in Austin. She  is a Senior Certified Gottman Therapist and Approved Clinical Trainer.  For the past 20 years, Vagdevi has been facilitating the Art & Science of Love Workshop Gottman retreat for couples in Austin and around the US and has taught all 3 levels of the Gottman professional trainings and coached clinicians from around the world on this method. 

It’s no coincidence that you’re searching for answers about feeling lonely in a relationship just when you need them most. You’re physically close to your partner, yet you feel emotionally miles apart. This disconnect creates a unique type of isolation that can be more painful than being alone because it contradicts your idea of what a relationship should provide. The gap between expectation and reality leaves you questioning whether something’s fundamentally wrong with you or your relationship. 

Key Takeaways

• Loneliness in relationships often stems from emotional disconnection, unresolved conflicts, poor communication patterns, and unmet emotional needs between partners.

• Warning signs include feeling invisible during conversations, experiencing only surface-level exchanges, and seeking validation outside the relationship despite physical closeness.

• Self reflection to identify your emotional needs and self awareness to take responsibility for destructive communication patterns like criticism and defensiveness are essential first steps.

• Developing daily rituals of connection, using the stress-reducing conversation and having weekly relationship check-ins can help rebuild emotional intimacy and communication.

• Professional help might be helpful for couples to explore relationship dynamics and develop effective conflict management skills.

Introduction

When you’re sitting next to your partner yet feeling like you’re worlds apart, you may experience a sense of loneliness that is more painful than when you were single.

You’re scrolling through your phone while your partner watches TV, both physically present but emotionally distant. Sound familiar? These feelings of loneliness don’t mean your relationship is broken; this is a more common dynamic than you may realize.

Research shows that emotional disconnection affects countless relationships, even those that appear solid from the outside. How did you end up feeling isolated despite having someone who’s supposed to understand you completely? This article explores how and why emotional intimacy fades and provides strategies to rebuild the intimacy you’re craving.

Is It Common to Feel Lonely in a Relationship? 

Absolutely, feeling lonely in your relationship is quite common—you’re not imagining things, and you’re definitely not alone in this experience.

We know that loneliness in America has steadily increased over the years to an epidemic level. Loneliness within marriage and committed relationships is a new and somewhat surprising trend with studies finding anywhere from 20- 60% of partners experiencing loneliness in their relationships. There’s a significant distinction between being alone and feeling lonely. You can be physically near your partner yet feel emotionally disconnected.

Even in seemingly “good” relationships, loneliness can emerge when emotional intimacy weakens. Dr. John Gottman’s research demonstrates that couples need consistent emotional connection to thrive through small things often or daily acts of turning towards.

When partners stop turning towards each other through daily actions or engaging each other in dialogue—they begin to feel like strangers living together. This disconnect often happens gradually, making it initially unnoticeable until the emotional distance becomes painful and undeniable.

Signs of Loneliness 

Recognizing the signs of loneliness in your relationship can be challenging because they often develop slowly and subtly. You might notice these feelings manifesting in unexpected ways, affecting your physical and emotional well-being as well as in daily interactions with your partner.

These feelings can promote a cycle of negative relationship dynamics characterized by transactional, surface level interactions that reinforce and increase feelings of isolation. 

Here are three key warning signs:

1. You feel like roommates – sharing space but lacking intimate emotional connection
2. Your emotional bids go unnoticed – attempts to connect are ignored or dismissed
3. You’ve stopped sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Communication is focused on logistics and schedules.

When you’re lonely in a relationship, these patterns create cycles of disconnection that require intentional effort to break.

Why Do People Feel Lonely in Relationships?

Understanding why loneliness creeps into relationships requires examining the complex dynamics that create emotional distance between partners. When your emotional needs aren’t being met, you’ll naturally feel disconnected despite physical proximity.

Poor communication patterns often serve as the common cause, with partners speaking different emotional languages or failing to recognize each other’s bids for connection.

Mismatched love languages create significant barriers. If you express affection through acts of service while your partner needs words of affirmation, both of you may feel unappreciated or misunderstood for your efforts. 

Life changes and external stress compound these issues, causing partners to withdraw emotionally when they need each other most.

Past relationship trauma also influences current connections. Your attachment style shapes how you approach intimacy, potentially creating repeating dynamics that feel frustrating and insurmountable to both partners.

The science behind loneliness

Recent neuroscientific studies reveal that loneliness within relationships triggers the same pain pathways in your brain as physical injuries, explaining why emotional disconnection feels genuinely painful.

When you experience relationship loneliness, your brain releases stress hormones that elevate cortisol levels, impacting both mental and physical health.

Gottman’s research demonstrates how emotional connection directly influences relationship satisfaction through these mechanisms:

1. Neural mirroring: Your brain literally synchronizes with your partner’s emotions during positive interactions, creating deeper bonds.
2. Oxytocin release: Physical touch and emotional intimacy trigger this “bonding hormone,” reducing stress and increasing trust.
3. Threat detection system: When emotionally disconnected, your brain activates ancient survival mechanisms, interpreting isolation as danger.

This neurological response explains why relationship loneliness affects your sleep, immune system, and overall well-being, making reconnection essential for both partners’ health.

How to Stop Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship

When feeling lonely in your relationship starts to feel overwhelming, there are concrete steps you can take to rebuild emotional connection with your partner:

• Start with self-reflection to identify your specific emotional needs and communication patterns. Understanding what you’re truly seeking helps you communicate more effectively with “I” statements rather than blame or a focus on the negative.

• Practice making verbal and emotional bids—small attempts to connect throughout the day. These might include sharing something interesting, asking about your partner’s feelings, or offering physical affection.

• Try to recognize bids. When your partner makes an effort to connect with you, respond positively rather than ignoring or rejecting them. Bids beget more bids leading to a positive spiral of greater efforts from both partners to connect and communicate.

• Improve your communication through active listening and weekly check-ins about your relationship’s state of the union.

• Create daily connection rituals, schedule regular date nights, and establish technology-free time together to foster genuine intimacy and reduce feelings of isolation.

How to Tell Your Partner You Feel Lonely

Once you’ve recognized your loneliness, you’ll need to approach your partner with honesty and openness to address these feelings together. This can be a scary proposition and certainly puts you in a vulnerable position, so it is important to be intentional about the conversation. 

Choose a calm moment when you’re both relaxed and free from distractions. Use Dr. Gottman’s gentle start up which looks like this:

1. “I feel….(insert emotion),
2. About what… (describe the situation, not your partner),
3. I need…(share a positive need, what you do need not what you don’t need). 

You are expressing your emotions and maybe even complaining but not blaming. You are saying nothing about your partner’s character or role in the situation, but you are giving your partner the opportunity to improve the situation by stating your need. 

If this type of conversation doesn’t seem to work or consistently creates additional conflict, you may need the support of a relationship counselor.

When Professional Help Might Be Needed

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness even after attempting to reconnect with your partner, you may need to get some help from a therapist. Although open communication can improve many relationships, sometimes the negative patterns and disconnection have become so ingrained that it is hard to get out of them despite your best efforts. 

Couples counseling provides a neutral space where both partners can explore underlying issues causing loneliness. The Gottman Method, for example, focuses on building friendship, managing conflict constructively, and developing deeper connections in your relationship. This research-based approach helps identify destructive communication patterns while teaching practical skills that are easy to implement into your daily routines.

Seeking therapy isn’t an admission of failure—it’s investing in your relationship’s future and is a brave step towards creating a fulfilling and lasting relationship.

Conclusion

You don’t have to feel alone in your own relationship. While loneliness can feel like a hopeless situation, it can get better. By recognizing the signs, understanding the causes, and taking deliberate action to reconnect, you can rebuild the bridge between you and your partner. Remember, relationships require ongoing maintenance—like tending a garden—to flourish. Start today with one gentle conversation and one turning towards action, and watch your connection begin to bloom again.

Frequently Asked Questions

How to Stop Feeling Lonely While in a Relationship?

You’ll stop feeling lonely by communicating openly about your emotional needs, engaging in shared activities together, practicing small intimate gestures, and considering couples therapy to strengthen your connection and resolve underlying issues.

How Do You Reconnect a Broken Relationship?

Like rebuilding a house after damage, you’ll reconstruct your relationship through honest communication, shared experiences, and small acts of kindness. Start with regular check-ins, plan date nights, and consider couples therapy for professional guidance.

Why Am I Feeling Empty in My Relationship?

You’re feeling empty because your emotional needs aren’t being met. Poor communication, lack of intimacy, and superficial conversations create distance. You’ve lost meaningful connection with your partner, leaving you feeling isolated despite being together.

Reviewed by: Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD

Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist and Founder of The Center for Relationships in Austin, TX.   Vagdevi has over 40 years of experience as a therapist, coach, and educator who taught graduate students and professionals at University of Texas and St. Edward’s University in Austin. She  is a Senior Certified Gottman Therapist and Approved Clinical Trainer.  For the past 20 years, Vagdevi has been facilitating the Art & Science of Love Workshop Gottman retreat for couples in Austin and around the US and has taught all 3 levels of the Gottman professional trainings and coached clinicians from around the world on this method.