Love languages have been a hot topic for decades, and if you believe in them and they work for your relationship, they can honestly be a great resource for staying connected and on the same page as your partner. When you know your partner’s love language is physical touch, for example, you can use a hug or holding hands or just snuggling on the couch as a way to bridge any gaps you’re feeling or to make them feel loved and comforted.

But do love languages work with friendships?

The thing about love languages is that they’re a helpful tool in ensuring your partner feels all the love and appreciation you have for them by meeting them where they need you to. So, it makes sense that it would work for friends. Maybe your friend who feels left out when you don’t text back promptly enough, or the friend who feels down because you guys haven’t had enough quality time together, would benefit from you knowing their love language. But is that realistic?

“I do think knowing a friend’s or a partner’s preferred way of receiving support and comfort can be incredibly helpful,” says Arkadiy Volkov, RP, clinical director at Feel Your Way Therapy. “Whether we call it a ‘love language’ or simply ‘what makes them feel cared for,’ understanding what makes another person feel good can make it so much easier for us to be there for them. And it shows our care for them and our willingness to meet them where they are.”

But Volkov acknowledges that it’s also not great to make friendships or any relationship “too rule-bound or heavy with expectations.” By turning that connection into a “checklist,” Volkov says we risk “losing the spontaneity and natural generosity that make friendships so rewarding.”

As with all things, what often works best is a balance, he says. “We can be aware of our friends’ preferences, but also leave room for trial and error. Sometimes, offering care in the way we feel moved to can open up new moments of understanding. And when a relationship is solid and not overly fragile, both people can handle those small misses with grace. They can say, ‘That’s not quite what I needed, but I appreciate the effort,’ and in turn, we can adjust without feeling criticized.”

There are so many online discussions, TikToks, and reels about the value of friendship and what happens when one person feels like the other is less invested. And that kind of chatter always makes me feel super guilty: for being a bad texter, for not always initiating a night out, for not buying my friends more little gifts when I think of them. But it doesn’t make me a bad friend, especially not if I’m committed to a friendship and trying to meet my friend’s needs — just maybe not in the way they’d prefer.

Organically, all of us learn what those around us prefer. Whether it’s our kids, partners, or family members, we know that some people prefer getting confrontation over and done with immediately, and some prefer quiet time before a deep discussion. We can tell when we need to check in, like when one kid needs a little extra chat time at bed or your spouse wants you to watch a show on Netflix with them. We can feel it because we’re close to our people and love them, and we can adapt to what they need while still not overwhelming ourselves. It’s a fill-everyone’s-cups kind of situation.

“The healthiest friendships, in my experience, are those where both people can express their needs openly while also accepting that no one gets it right every time,” Volkov says. “There’s trust in the relationship’s resilience, so even imperfect attempts at support are seen as acts of care.”

These are the friends you can go weeks without seeing, and it’s like no time passed. The friends who would rather talk on the phone for an hour, but still feel your love and support in a 3-minute voice note sent while driving your kid to basketball. The friends who offer to pick up your kids and make you brownies and show up to clean your house when you’re overwhelmed because they love acts of service, and not because they expect anything. The friends who know you’re trying your best and love you for it.

Because friendship might just be a broad love language all on its own.

The most important influence on a new relationship is always you! Forget trying to blame your bank balance or your friends because you and your attitude make the real difference to whether a new flame burns or snuffs out.

How do you act and treat your new partner? Do you hold back on saying cute things because you don’t want to seem desperate? Have you got certain questions that you ask to see if they value the same things as you?  Stop old habits and change the way to treat a new partner. We’ve compiled 7 concepts to remember as you navigate those dates and evenings in that might just lead to a relationship somewhere down the line.

1. Keep Reciprocity in Mind

When you do something kind like washing up after a meal, your partner’s more likely to see that you’ve done that and want to match you. It’s important not to diminish what you’ve offered though – when they say thank you for the act of kindness, make it clear that you did it because they would’ve done the same for you. That will sow the seeds of reciprocity.

2. Be Committed and Consistent

Committing to something, whether you do that vocally or in writing, means that you’re more likely to honour that commitment. If there’s one person we don’t like judging us, it’s ourselves. We like to be consistent and keep our promises, so make micro-commitments and keep them. Even something as straightforward as picking up a bottle of wine when you’ve said you will is a signal that you’re committed to making this work.

3. Ignore Social Conventions

If all your friends are getting serious in their relationships, the pressure is on for you to do the same. That can lead you to focus more on what everyone else is doing rather than your own relationship. In the beginning, it’s all about getting to know each other and working out whether this relationship is right for you. Don’t over-complicate it by comparing it to everyone else’s relationships.

4. Share Authority Figures

Relationships work best if you share the same values. We all have people we follow and respect, meaning that we’re more likely to do what they would do in a similar situation. For instance, if your authority figure tells you that cheating spells the end of a relationship, you’re more likely to believe them than if it was someone you don’t respect. Ideally, the authority figures that you and your partner look up to will have similar values.

5. Liking is Fundamental

If you don’t like someone, you won’t be persuaded to go out of your way to do anything for your new partner. It might sound simple, but you’d be surprised how many people feel compelled to pursue a romantic relationship with people they don’t like. Spoiler alert – those relationships are doomed.

6. Practice Scarcity

 

The thrill of a new relationship (or even just a second date with someone you’re really into) means that you’re likely to make yourself available far too often. The theory of demand and supply also applies to a relationship – if you offer too much, there’ll be no demand. But if you practice scarcity, the demand will be greater. We are not advising you to play any games instead simply continue being your awesome self which would mean perusing other interests.

7. Identify Your Partner’s Love Language

 

There are 5 love languages that human beings respond to. The key to making a relationship work is to figure out which your partner responds to most. They are:

 

• Words of Affirmation – Building up the other person via words instead of breaking them down with them
• Gifts – Demonstrate you’re thinking about someone and that you know them
• Acts of Service – Doing something for them that you’d know they’d like such as washing up or cooking
• Quality Time – Give them your undivided attention
• Physical Touch – Demonstrate your affection through holding hands or any other type of physicality

 The important thing to remember is that no two people are identical and there’s no manual to make new relationships grow into long-lasting ones. Focus on your partner and understanding how they tick – then you’re one step closer to persuading them that this relationship is right for you both.

 

Much love Xx Team Mai Tai

 

Do you ever get the feeling men are incapable of saying three little words? It’s only eight letters in a very specific order but they can’t seem to sputter them out without some cajoling, a whole lot of prompting and even some wounded staring. Here’s the question I hear more often than you might think – does it mean he doesn’t love you if he isn’t saying it spontaneously?

The short answer is “no“. Hold on though! I promise this isn’t as bad as it sounds. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation; one that might even sound more romantic than those three little words.

At the beginning of a relationship, especially one that could lead to something long-term, men are more inclined to be vocal about their feelings. During the early stage of your relationship, you should focus on improving your communication with each other so that you gain the confidence to express your feelings in different situations. Most men will recognise that they need to be upfront and honest about what they’re feeling or the relationship may simply fizzle out. So, this is the stage where they’ll be truthful about their emotions and some might even say those three words. They’ll likely say them as often as it takes for both parties to become secure in the relationship and enter what’s known as the long-term attachment phase. But after that? They won’t say them nearly as often, if at all.  

This doesn’t mean, however, that he doesn’t really love you or doesn’t enjoy the time you’re spending with each other. You’ll be able to tell from the way he acts around you and the things you do together.

For instance, you might not completely appreciate the jokes his friends find funny, but the very fact that you are spending time with the people he is closest to is a sign that he’s serious about your relationship. Equally, if he’s often physically close to you in a non-sexual way such as cuddling while you watch a film or holding hands in the street, it’s a good bet that he’s significantly attached.

There’s a famous piece set of “rules” put forward by Dr Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. These are the ways partners express their feelings – and they’re not all verbal:

 

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch

 

It’s super important to have a conversation about what sort of affection you are comfortable with. Holding hands might be your cup of tea but it may seem childish to your other half. Just remember there will always be some sort of compromise that you are both happy with. If in doubt about your partner’s feelings, spend some time considering how he’s acted towards you in the past few weeks. Has he complimented you lots but neglected to mention those three words you listen out for? Has he cooked for you or made a point of putting his phone away so you can have a proper discussion about something? Non-verbal ways of saying “I love you” can be just as potent – you just need to look out for them. Fear of rejection means that many women feel that they don’t want to reveal their newfound feelings and should, in fact, be bold enough to initiate the entire process without the expectation that it will be reciprocated in the same way. If you don’t get the response you expect, don’t worry about it because you shouldn’t need a specific response to validate your relationship.

When you look at cross-cultural research of romantic relationships, you get these very striking cultural differences. So, we all know that culture, upbringing and past experiences can mould our perceptions and expectations of romantic love in terms of what we would like to hear from our partner. London is loved for being diverse and multicultural but with that comes the opportunity for us to keep learning in a non-predictive way.

So, don’t assume that because he doesn’t say the words, he doesn’t feel it. Men are annoyingly less vocal sometimes and, while it’s something many of them are working on, women might just have to interpret the clues for themselves. The words aren’t everything, but the way he treats you and behaves is.